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To a regular 16 year old engineering aspirant, a JEE coaching class brochure can seem scarcely dissimilar to his fantasy buxom flaunting her seductive prowess. She playfully toys with the strip of her bra as she talks of the IITs being the mecca of technical education and tantalizingly sucks her finger on the mention of them admitting only the cream of the country.

‘Wouldn’t you want to be the cream?’ she teases you, licking a drop off her thumb. The ubiquitous mention of fame and money leads one to picture oneself walking through family functions, brimming with pride and confidence – chin held up, shoulders gone back and wide – as distant relatives cast looks of awe and jealous cousins and friends breathe abuses under fake smiles.

But alas! There are far too many nerds and the buxom can satisfy only so many. So she gets to pick and choose the ones that woo her best. And to say that she makes one work one’s ass off, would be to put it mildly. While all stalkers knock on HC Verma’s door for the basic know-how about her physical likes and dislikes, a few devoted ones conjure up enough courage to approach Irodov for special courting tricks. With a particular liking for finances, she makes you learn all tricks of the trade called math. As one goes through endless jargons of calculus, trigonometry, algebra, geometry and the like, she looks on with unbridled admiration. And like all girls who know they are in demand, she makes you do the rotten stuff as well. But such is her charm that one doesn’t mind mindlessly mugging up inorganic chemistry if only – to keep the metaphor going – to entice a wink.

She is very possessive as well. While the occasional flirting with a classmate may be tolerated, going out on a date or even talking on the phone for longer than necessary is strictly out of bounds. And just when one thinks that one is making some progress and starts feeling good about oneself, she pulls your All India percentile a trifle to remind you that you are not the only one trying to get into her pants. Eventually, however, the select few who do have coitus with the coveted mistress will – if they know how to take the rough with the smooth – tell you that it was all so damn much worth the effort.

As noises for scraping the JEE become louder, one genuinely mourns the imminent demise of the seductress one once successfully wooed. One can only feel sorry for the coming generations who are about to be robbed of the opportunity to showcase their ability to rise above mediocrity and will have to be content with a far lesser beauty that can never be The JEE.

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